ohhh things are gonna get personal over here

04 february, 2025

feeling: listless
song of the day: B.O.D.Y - VIXX

good mornin yall. it's 6:44 AM, i been waking up at the ass crack o dawn lately around 5 ish. sometimes i sleep for another hour or read in bed and then get up for coffee and poo. and kitty cuddles. good slice of life over here. what could make it better? perhaps the presence of another... but at the same time, i really truly cant imagine myself sharing space ith someone and not constantly being problematic about it?? idk i guess we gonna find out one of these days
i won't lie, life has been feeling kind of boring lately. not necessarily boring, what with all the SHIT happening in america rn... but life feels weird, operating like business as usual while a coup is being run a few hours south of me. that's totally normal!
i can't even really harp on it because nobody here gives an active shit at all. i literally debated with a client over raising federal minimum wage, and if yu want an insight into some of these people, they genuinely believe raising fed min wage means just that, and absolutely nothing else will go up and all these businesses will lose money and have to close? i'm glad you feel bad for the businesses you dumb fucking cunt, but everything goes up to keep the market competitive and thus more money will be circulated into the lowest parts of our economy instead of staying there at the top and never going anywhere. it's called forcing the economics to trickle down instead of crossing our fingers and hoping those greedy dragon-madness bastards will give back to the workers they exploited for their wealth. besides that, she couldn't agree that it's morally wrong to pay someone less than it costs to have food and shelter. she says, "get a different or second job!" i have POTS and i can't just "get another job" or i will work myself to death. AND IF MINIMUM WAGE IS 7.25 HOW MANY PLACES WILL PAY ABV A LIVING WAGE HOW MANY WILL EVEN HAVE POSITIONS AVAILABLE?
there is no getting thru to these ppl i fear. i don't know what to do anymore... if we can't agree on issues like that i honestly don't see a path into agreeing over the true purpose of dei, the LONG standing issue of israels crimes against palestine and the genocide in gaza, the fact that gutting these govt departments that are crucial for our foreign relations across the globe is going to seriously hurt us... its so much stress. i don't know how to keep living when i feel like i do all that i can and it still isn't enough. i don't know.
well that's it for today. bit of a sad entry. i hope everyone else out in the world has had a better week and that the next is just as fulfilling.

27 january, 2025

jan 27, 2025
feeling: restless
song of the day: foxholes & deities - sianvar

welp... its been a minute huh
went thru a TOTAL site revamp, scrubbed zonelets off the site and decided fuck it we going bald and i scalped that bitch and rose her back up from the ashes and now she looks like she does now which is GOOOORG no?
i still have no clue what im doing. im not even using w3schools, only pure memory and the occasional random google search that usually leaves me still with no answer. literally throwing code at the wall and seeing what sticks. also, if anyones out there (HELLOOOOOO?!) is my site super slow, or is that my shit ass butt ass wifi/service? i gen cant tell if its me or my fuck ass code making everything load so slow. i have no clue what im doooing uhuhu
still, having so so much fun. this is incredibly fulfilling. i think i'm just looking for another avenue to employ my creativity that doesnnt require supplies or money just my puter and my mind and my hands and the WWW at my fingertips. i love nails bbut especially now in thi political climate in my area i am having a really hard time w the public. one day at a time, tho.
this week is a busy one, fingers crossed its a good one!

19 january, 2025

tikky toks is gone yall. dafuq dafuq dafuqqqq
i actually cant even believe .. had to fire out a quick tweet (whats the bs equivalent of a tweet? a fly? butterfly?) about it but ill reiterate here, cant scroll during my morning caffeine poo, cant scroll when its too quiet and i need some quick noise, cant do my nightly news recap scroll before bed. it's a part of my life that i've become so accustomed to, during one of the most formative and isolated years of my life (covid). i was junior/senior at the height and those are very important years for one's development. spending that time inside and otp... not the best thing for me, but i have a real emotional assoc. with this app. im sad it feels like a death in the family. if meta buys it or any other america first adjacent or weird right wing neo nazi shit starts going on and it comes back im dipping still. WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN YOUR PROPAGANDA!
alrighty, well i'm going to put this up on my page right now and spend the rest of the day tweaking the code most likely. snowstorms=code all day baby. and cleaning and stuff too. maybe dabble with my bookbinding although i will have to get creative with end papers for my first project but i assume it will be a disaster anyways lolol!!!!!! thx for tuning in!

18 january, 2025

lawd they getting rid of tiktok PLEASE GOD
really eye twitching about the projection of america this morning. ass crack of dawn and im already worried ... i just cant wait for the people to finally realize capitalism wasn't designed to be a system where anybody could climb the ladder. that ladder youre climbing is taking you to floor 100 out of 1 billion. you will never reach the top, and the entire system is to keep us with our bread and circuses so the billionaires dont get get taxed and do whatever the fuck they want. but what happens when you take the bread and circuses in one fell swoop? the people are already pissed about tiktok and if they go after reddit, video games, books, porn, i think we are going to see a fuckkkkk ton of pushback especially from all the dudebro redneck republicans that didnt realize they were subscribing to christian theocratic nationalism lol
can dgd put skyhook on the fucking setlist and istg this is the return of the robot if they play robot songs and NOT pt. 2 1/2 im lighting that bitch up w a molotov im serious (im not serious mr fbi agent i would never commit an act of terrorism on those innocent ppls) IM SERIOUS
ok, getting my new glasses today. so excite to see!!!! my vision has been sucking BUTT holes it got sooo bad out of nowhere so literally cant wait to have my vision restored. came into work early bc i was ready, cleaned up my station a little extra, sat down to code and heard a weird scratching noise behind me. there was a BAT in the glass shade of the floor lamp behind my desk I WAS SO SCARED like i just saw this big honking shadow in my light and like what the fuck but he was so cute and we saved him and let him back outside! must have come thru the chimney

17 january, 2025

iz it cold in here, or is it just my raynauds acting up?? anybody else cant feel their toes or jus me? i say, for the 100th time that day, to nobody in particular. is it my raynauds, i say, while the backs of my hands are mottled and purple, with my fingers from the first knuckle up being stark white
i literally spend so much time invalidating myself and my own experiences. when im at work, my hands are totally fine because im using them to work. theyre fine while im typing as well as long as i am using my first finger as well. i find my index on my right hand i tend to hover and not use on the keys as much when im on my puter and that finger is like my elisabeth sparkle dead finger sometimes its white sometimes its red and swollen sometimes it burns sometimes it tingles but yea when i keep it still for too long and use the rest of my fingers, shit gets crazyyy.
it really didn't start to get bad until this winter. this has been a rough one. 72 in my house all day every day and i still have that burning numbness in my extremities. i think i have some serious issues with my heart and blood flow and i worry my pot habits make it worse... but whyyy would i stop smoking POOOT THATS DUMB ITS THE ONLY THING KEEPS ME SANE ANYMORE!! i don't want to go to the doc because im afraid of being faced with the ultimatum of changing my lifestyle or suffering. i do not have the time and mental capacity to make changes to my life right now. im 21 and fighting just to keep my head above water half the time.
ah, well. twas a busy day at work but kept busy and didnt smoke till after hours. got to call eye dr tmrw. got to find a new dr this weekend and lady dr. figure out bc. makes me so nervy but its like now or never tbfh. i fear. can i choose to opt out of living thru history?
it was nice to talk to clients today that arent fucking crazy and recognize that democracy as we know it is swirling the drain. i have sooo much fucking anxiety about the world but im also the one walking around saying that there isn't a thing i can do about it. im really trying to keep that energy but damn its hard. i know it is going to be okay. i have faith i have faith that the universe will keep us all that matter safe please and i will be so eternally grateful. i will honestly truly try to improve my day to day life in the hope my energy influences the planet and all the crazy shit in the world can be resolved and the people can truly win. its crazy talk but i just want to have faith.
it will be ok! we got this shit. it will be ok :)

16 january, 2025

HEY im gonna see DANCE GAVIN DANCE in TEXAS YEEHAW YALL! i am so effing excited you have no ideaaaa!!! SHIDD ING MY PANTS
need to take a tolerance break soon. also need to be prepared to get drunk as fuck at the concert in june bcs idk if i fw taking dabs otp again. maybe ill try some gummies and find some that actually work and sneak those w some vitaminz fingers crossed bc i really dnt like drinking but i wanna daaaance
on a more serious note my health is really fucked up rn and i acually have so much anxiety about going to the doctor. i dropped 30 pounds between july and november, seemingly out of nowhere my appetite disappeared and then reappeared. i would get so sick just having food in my mouth for like 2 months and then like nothing happened im fine. my portion control is better but i can eat fine again. but sometimes i just feel weak and tired and down, but i can't tell if its the weight loss, or the constant having people telling me how thin i am and to make sure im eating and all that stuff and even asking how i lost it. its making me feel kind of insecure about it. i feel embarrassed for liking the way i look. its kind of fucking with my head, especially after struggling w disordered eating in high school. im at a lower weight now then i was at my worst, which is also really screwy to think about. it almost feels like a punishment, for trying to do that to myself, to take that insecurity away from me so easily and show me that looks wont fix my life. a final realization that maybe i used to be more normal looking than i gave myself credit for
anywaysss i am having so much fun coding. i can't wait to get into my book stuff, but im really into this web stuff rn while its so cold i cant feel my toes i just wanna sit and type on my puter. this is proving to b a pretty kewl outlet!
keep living life with kindness and understanding✩

15 january, 2025

Good morning, world! It is currently 7:45 am est as I type this out. I guess for my blog i'll start working on posts outside of work throughout the week and post my weekly recap on mondays! i have therapy every other onday morning and i think this will help me get all my emotions in order while helping me pratice my coding skillz!
SOOO in my dgd phase rn. They just announced a new tour yesterday, i am planning on getting tix!!! Their only show in my state is this shit place that my sister and i got beat on last time we went to a show there during the openers, so my other sis in tx said her and her fiance would be down to clown! so might be planning a trip to tx soon!
Yesterday I recieved the rest of my bookbinding supplies I need to get started! I've been researching converting paperbacks to custom hardcover books by making my own cases and i finally have everything i need! my fist projects will probably be my game of thrones mass market paperbacks. I wondered if i should practice on a different book i don't like as much, but i dont see myself necessarily keeping the MMPs either. I may give them to my sister if they turn out well, and get the bigger editions for my personal collection later once i actually know i can do this craft well.
ok i have to get ready 4 work now *wendy williams wailing meme* 10 to 6:30 most likely. i have 5 clients but i do have like an hour and a half break in the middle idfk what im gonna do with that time probably deep clean my work station for the 80th time this week